Years ago, I used to work in computer tech support. It was 1996/1997, and computers (and the internet) were still somewhat of a novelty. At least for most people.

And I admit, the nerd in me took pleasure in the caller’s incompetence. I mean, really, how could you NOT know how to copy/paste? How could you not know how to create a shortcut. Etc. Etc. I even really got some of those calls that sound like an urban legend:

Caller: My computer boots to funny writing.

Me: What version of Windows do you have?

Caller: Oh, there’s no windows here - I’m in the basement.

Or how about this gem…

Caller: My screen says “press any key”, but there’s no “ANY” key on the keyboard… (yea, it really happened.)

Anyway, I look back now and can (almost) forgive some of the ignorance - like I said, all of this was new to many people.

But here in 2010, I am still somewhat shocked by some of the utter ineptitude I come across. Much of it has to do with e-mail. Now, these aren’t just regular homeowners (like the people I dealt with 14 years ago were) - I deal with businesspeople now. And frankly, I am a little surprised about a few things. So allow me to help - here are some things you just have to know about if you want to converse via e-mail.

• Learn about your spam folder, and learn how to set the settings so you can accept attachments. I cannot count the number of times I got a curt “you never sent the file”  when I did indeed send it. I always say “check your spam folder”, to which I get maybe twenty seconds of silence, then a quiet ”oh…”
  
  
• Learn how to quote properly. I do not need to read the entire last week’s worth of conversation in our exchanges.
  
  
• On that note, please lose the four-line signature about how this message was intended for so and so and there’s an army of lawyers standing by if anyone tries anything funny… Nothing says “spineless corporate weenie” quite like 4 lines of legal disclaimer at the end of every_single_e-mail you send.
  
  
• If I have to register to reach you (as in those annoying spam protectors), well, I don’t. You’ll simply never hear from me. Stop hiding and take your Viagra e-mail like the rest of us.
  
  
• Address book - learn it, and use it. It’s really not that hard. Trust me, sending me an e-mail as a “re” to a  mail I sent you last year tells me you don’t know how to use an address book.
  
  
• Please stop sending 10mb attachments unless 10mb is truly needed. It slows everything up. Learn how to compress a picture if you must. Or ask a ten year old to do it for you.

Ok, I know I’m a little snide here - sorry, that’s my inner tech support dude (he needs to get out every now and again). But in all seriousness, it’s every businessperson’s responsibility to learn how to use e-mail efficiently and correctly, for both you and the receiver.

I’m not one to really criticize current events, etc. In fact, I find most people that do fairly shallow and petty.

That said, in regards to this huge oil spill, there is a simple, almost astonishing misstep that is glaring (to me, anyway).  Follow me here:

Every time they try something new, from the “dome cover” to the “top kill” thing, BP prefaces the attempt by saying “we’ve never done this at this depth before…”

Really? Then why the @#$% were you drilling at that depth??? I mean, come on…

In essence, they are saying “we have zero experience at fixing stuff this deep, but we decided to drill there anyway”. Ridiculous.

This proves there was no emergency plan in place - none whatsoever. Which is generally a bad way to conduct business, whether you are a giant oil company or a shorts-clad copywriter writing from his home. But of course, if something goes awry in my basement (bad cat!), it doesn’t effect millions of people, and cleanup is maybe twenty to thirty seconds.

 Real excited about this.

I’m going on vacation later this month. There, I said it.

I talked about this once on my old blog, but it always amazes me how touchy us American businesspeople are about vacations. It’s like we’re afraid to take them. I recall a vacation e-mail autorespond message from a client awhile back. Let’s call him “George”. His message said something like:

“I’ll be on vacation from XX to YY. However, I will be checking e-mail twice a day, and if it’s an emergency, you may reach me on my cell at XXX-XXX-XXXX. The hotel front desk # is XXX-XXX-XXXX if you wish to leave a message there as well.”

Goodness, it doesn’t sound like George is taking much of a vacation, does it?

Now, maybe I could understand this type of dedication if George was involved in, I dunno… national defense, or maybe saving lives. But I know for a fact George works in marketing. And I also know for a fact there was really nothing pressing going on at the time. In plain terms, George was scared to just “go” on vacation and cut the cord. Either he felt that way on his own, or his company bullied him into feeling that way, or maybe a combination of both. It’s no wonder he’s going bald and has an ulcer. 

Not this guy. I’m going on vacation sans laptop. And my cell is a “family/friends only” cell - no biz stuff. No client will be able to get in touch with me. And no e-mail will be checked. And that’s fine - I cannot imagine a scenerio where anyone will say “Quick, get ahold of Dan Furman or ALL IS LOST!!”  In fact, that phrase has never been spoken before. Which is just fine w/ me.

I was this way back when I worked for “the man”, as well. When my vacation time came, I just went - whatever I was doing could wait until I got back. It got some managers mad, but I felt that was their problem and not mine. If their tightly wound type-A personalities couldn’t handle me not being in touch for a few days, well, they’d just have to learn to live without me. And a few did - permanently…. I’m not going to say my attitude is without risk.

But at least I have hair

Sometime last year, I found myself at the beer advocate website. I like beer a lot, and signed up so I could post on the forum. I made a post or two, and kind of forgot about it. Never went back, and never heard from them.

Fast forward to ten minutes ago. I get an e-mail from them offering a subscription to their magazine for $19.99. Having enjoyed a fine ale or two on the deck earlier tonight, I was in the perfect mood.  Went to their website, put in my cc info, and bang, they have a new subscriber. All because they spammed me.

Now I know some will disagree, but to me, that’s really not unwanted spam. And I kind of proved it by placing an order. I look at it this way: At some point, I said to this company “hey, I like beer”, and hence, a nice beer-related offer eventually made it to my inbox.

Well done, Beer Advocate. And cheers.